panic has not yet set in.

exhaustion, doubt, fear- yes, panic no. the multi-media performance of mary's dream, my goal/hobby/obsession for the last 8 years is 9 days away from becoming a reality. for those of you who know me, you realize the enormity of the situation. for those who don't, well, lets just say that the odds of pulling something of this magnitude off while holding down a full time job, and raising a family were kind of small. or maybe they weren't...

calvin coolidge once noted that nothing in the world can take the place of persistance. talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. genius won't: unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. persistance and determination are nearly omnipotent.

and while i'm certainly no genius, and have only moderate amounts of talent and education, i guess i have been able to cultivate a fair amount of determination into my life. sometimes its a pain in the ass because its often a helluva lot easier to not finish what you start, but sometimes, like now i hope, the determination pays off with something grand and beautiful.

the damn phone is still ringing - my 10 minute allotment of spare time for today is now officially over.

posted by bluematrix at 03/23/04 13:49 | link | comments (4)

every day we perform an amazing act of faith that all of us totally take for granted. In order to walk, you have to lean forward, lose your balance, and begin to fall. You have to constantly let go of the previous moments stability, and keep falling all the time, trusting that you will find a succession of new stabilities with every step. i think living a full life is a lot like walking. pull yourself up, allow yourself mistakes as you learn, then gloriously allow yourself to fall and trust that you will find life as easy as walking.

posted by bluematrix at 03/17/04 09:11 | link | comments (5)

the picture

this image of your face, projected in my mind

a picture time won't replace, a longing drugs can't erase

this is the picture, this is the puncture

of my plastic dreams

this portrait of your flesh, an illusion in my mind

once so real, once so fresh, all thoughts turn to synchro-mesh

this is conception, this is deception

of my hollow dreams

surrealistic image lust, a dreamers see through song

unreal image starts to rust, the prophets vision wrong

posted by bluematrix at 03/15/04 07:58 | link | comments (2)

if you break the word 'universe' into two parts, you get 'uni' -as in unicycle- meaning 'one', and 'verse' - as in song.

so the literal meaning for universe is 'one song'. kinda poetic ain't it?

posted by bluematrix at 03/12/04 08:59 | link | comments (3)

Sand

I dreamt I was standing in the rain

hoping and praying for the sun

then I dreamt I was standing in the desert

hoping and praying for the rain

it really doesn’t matter anymore

its always just of sight, just out reach

the sand of the desert is the same sand of the beach

posted by bluematrix at 03/11/04 00:34 | link | comments (6)

To get to the next space in your life, to your goal, you have to travel through the one you're in. its almost as if the thoughts you usually have must be used up or worn out before you can make changes. How often have you affirmed a new intention and found yourself bogged down in old patterns? this is because the old ways are tough to dismiss. it takes patience. that is why the great dramas of your life are useful. dramatic events have a way of clearing the path of debris. after such experiences you may feel lost and exhausted and beat up because your ego has taken a royal bashing and was forced to retreat. but in the wake of the drama a space occurs which allows new understanding to filter in and growth to occur. s. wilde

posted by bluematrix at 03/09/04 22:19 | link | comments (1)

it is not what others do that hurt us the most; it is our response to things. chasing after the snake that bites us will only drive the poison through our entire system. better to take measures immediately to get the poison out. or to put into sailing terms, we can't do anything about the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

posted by bluematrix at 03/07/04 12:50 | link | comments

crap. i just get into this blogging thing and now i'm so damn busy i can hardly find time to eat moreless write deep thoughts. okay, i know i shouldn't bitch, the two things that are pushing me to the edge of my stamina are two things that i fought to get into my life.

First is the work thing. Getting some nice corporate shtuff: an interactive cd-rom, a website redesign, a video, and a 12 page brochure. which is quite handy when it comes to paying the bills. but it is overlapping with

the second thing - the project that i have worked and sweated and cajoled and pushed and waited and scheduled and dreamt of and obsessed about and, and, and well i'm now i'm 31 days away from and its kind of freaking me out a bit. its my multimedia rock opera/crowd psychology experiment/performance art/film/theatrical thing that has been taunting me ever since i had that totally whacked dream 8 years ago. and i just put the security deposit on the venue and cast the show and can't turn back now and its real, too real, and i could look like a total idiot and waste the money i got when i sold my prize possesion (my sailboat) and, and, and...and i keep thinking yea, but what if it turns out half as cool as i imagine it might. how mindblowingly kickass would that be. to actually finish something, something large, something requiring dozens of people contributing their creative skills to breathe life into the story and music and concepts i created.

so if my blogs in march lose a bit of the thoughtfulness i've strived for in the months since starting this, forgive me. and if you happen to be in st. louis on april 2 (opening night and my birthday) 3, 9 or 10 then you might want to come to my labor of love for 8 years - mary's dream. (yes theres a link on the left)

-'the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams'

posted by bluematrix at 03/03/04 01:02 | link | comments (3)

the light (truth) is not directly visable to us, so we make up rules and regulations, partly in an effort to process fear and partly in the hope that we will somehow charm the light into our lives. in doing so we restrict ourselves terribly for the light does not come out of do's and don'ts - its currency is absolute forgiveness, unbounded compassion, endless patience and love. it expresses this love for us by honoring us in leaving us alone, to be as silly as we want for as long as we want.

Once we discover the power of the light, and providing we do not wrap it in endless mumbo-jumbo, we create for ourselves an alternate evolution, we control our fate. this is done through affirmations - a statement of either word, thought, feeling or action which underlines or confirms a belief pattern you hold. there are negative affirmations and positive affirmations. if you learn to develop the positive ones you can literally mold your reality to suit your positive ends. s. wilde

posted by bluematrix at 03/01/04 08:53 | link | comments