when you read this...i’m with you.

i’m inside your head right now. i am part of your awareness. as you concentrate on these black marks on the screen, i slip past them and permeate you as you sit in your chair.

physically i am many miles away, or perhaps even old or dead depending on when you clicked here, but right now i am very much alive and whispering in your head, my voice soft and calm and low.

and if i supply you with just minimal details, your mind will begin to reassemble my physical form and your minds eye will paint a portrait of me as it listens to my words. 6’ 1”, lean, short dark hair, green eyes, goatee, long fingers.

and that other sense, the one that develops first, the oldest and the most complex, your sense of smell, wants input too in order to help me materialize. with a few more descriptors - my freshly washed hair smelling like coconut, my skin a hint of citrus - you can almost feel me in the room with you. smiling at you as your eyes flick across the computer screen. i am close to you. the air shifts behind you a little and you can faintly smell the dark red wine on my breath as i look over your shoulder while you read this.

you invited me to your room, and now here i am, talking to you and you alone. the outside world far away as we share this moment. and i am so thankful. thankful to you for letting me into your life for these few moments. for helping me be alive. for allowing us to connect our minds, even if it is just for these few brief minutes.

right now i don’t feel like telling you story or reading you my prose or tickling your mind with some interesting philosophical tidbit. right now, i just like the fact that i am alive and that you are here and we are together and life is good. life is so damn good.

posted by bluematrix at 04/28/04 18:40 | link | comments (4)

been perusing the links on the blogs that i link to. the same handful seem to be on linked on most of the ones i like. the creme rising to the top, or just kindred souls recognizing each others outpourings as coming from the same place. a creative, unsatiated place where we pour our personal soul searchings in to. partly for ourselves as a permanent, public record of our thoughts like so many beautiful and fragile butterflies pinned under glass, captured before they could decompose. lifelike, but still a poor approximation of the reality that spawned them. a collection that grows with each sleepless eve.

and partly we write for those who read us, some friends from the real world, some searching strangers who stumbled upon our flow of thoughts thru a random click, and some fellow bloggers, recognizing in others, similar trains of thought too important to let pass unnoticed. we tend to be rather voyeristic breed i've noticed as well. instead of curling up with a good book at night, we log on and peer with a large rectangular telescope into the innermost thoughts and feelings of others. but its an odd voyeurism since, for the most part, it is completely lacking in the one sense we rely on to absorb information more than any other - our sight.

we are creative, blind, voyeuristic, thought embalmers gathering alone late at night like some dysfunctional tribe trying to find where we are from, where we are going, and who will be with us for the journey. and its kind of cool.

posted by bluematrix at 04/26/04 14:09 | link | comments (6)

our minds exist in space and time but our inner self or consciousness does not. when you think something, it is very real in one sense, and effects everything you do because the thought is in your awareness at that moment. for instance, lets say you imagine yourself meeting a friend after work and you see yourself in a restaurant having a drink with them. you feel good, but this is not reality - just a painting on the consciousness about reality. in fact, on the day in question perhaps your friend had to call and cancel.

this relationship between your thoughts and the material world is vital. it is very important that you try to keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts are very real. its hard because the mind gets bogged down by expectations. it decides when or where something is supposed to happen and when it doesn't, it becomes frustrated. yet all of life is guesswork. the mind extrapolates from past experience and assumes future events will conform to that pattern. but life often presents us with quite different circumstances that happen to bear a resemblence to things we have previously experienced, and we make wrong assumptions. it is impossible to guess right every time, but we still beat ourselves up over our mistakes.

accept things as they come, stop putting pressure on yourself, and try to keep your thoughts positive and your life will grow calm. and in that calm your power will grow.

posted by bluematrix at 04/23/04 16:11 | link | comments (1)

sand, i never meant to try and count them, the grains slip thru my hands

sand, the edges wear smoother, must be something in my eye, my heart, my mind

the first 30 years we learn, the next 30 we earn, the last 30 we return - to the place that we started from, sand

a mirage, like a glittering prize, but you can't get in, there's no where to go, no way to win, just more sand in my eyes

standing-looking at the stars, dancing-in the big star bars, trying-but i just can't reach, sighing-another grain on the beach

similar features, nights lonely creatures, youthful prose preachers, don't have a thing to say, not a real thing to say, not a single thing to make - me want - to stay

posted by bluematrix at 04/21/04 06:02 | link | comments (2)

on overcoming obstacles...

Romeo wants Juliet as the metal filings want the magnet; if no obstacles intervene he moves toward her by as straight a line as they. But Romeo and Juliet, if a wall be built between them, do not remain idiotically pressing their faces against the opposoite sides like the magnet and filings against the card. Romeo soon finds a circuitious way, by scaling the wall or otherwise, of touching Juliet's lips directly. With the filings the path is fixed; whether it reaches the end depends on accidents. With the lover it is the end which is fixed; the path may be modified indefinitely.

posted by bluematrix at 04/15/04 11:58 | link | comments (1)

a man will never know what it feels like to have a baby.

but i keep coming up with that analogy when people ask me how i feel now that my show is over. I carried this entity around inside me for years, i got very uncomfortable towards the end and just wanted it out of me, i went to a place where a professional team helped get it out of me, and the joy i felt upon seeing it for the first time - healthy, alive and kicking - is hard to describe. there was great pride that i had created something so beautiful and meaningful and special and unique.

and now that its no longer inside of me, there is an aching emptiness. it is a part of the world now, an entity that still needs me in order to survive during its infancy, but one day will not. and i am so very tired. i'm not sure i have the strength (or the funds) to help mary grow. and that would be a damn shame because the people that experienced it were by and large blown away. even the cast and crew.

but i am spent - physically, emotionally, and financially. for months i've pushed my body to its limits, living on red bull and fast food, spending only minimal time on my family and my day job. i've maxed out a credit card. i've haven't been to the gym in months. i forced myself to focus on little else except getting to last saturday night. and i made it. i brought mary into this world.

and before i can catch my breath, my offspring is demanding my attention once again. i had hoped for some time to decompress and regroup, but if i am to capitalize on the buzz i've created i need to act quickly.

and i'm not sure i have it in me.

posted by bluematrix at 04/12/04 22:53 | link | comments (2)

wow...now that was a crazy couple of weeks and a birthday bash i will not soon forget.

the premiere of mary's dream was amazing. there were so many things that could have gone wrong on such a technically difficult show, and except for some trouble here and there with the headset mikes, everything went off flawlessly.

my favorite comment was, "incredible. you are 10 years ahead of st. louis and if you were in NY or LA you would be one of the hottest tickets in town."

can't wait to do it next weekend.

posted by bluematrix at 04/05/04 00:48 | link | comments (4)