on loneliness
(i usually try to avoid hallmark subjects and standard metering in my prose, but this slipped past my internal censors.)


not sure the words to share
to fill the searching heart
the thoughts, the prayers, the gestures
to ease being without

at times i've found the bottle
will dull the too sharp edge
and staunch the flow of heartfelt blood
that solitude has bled

sometimes i've run in circles
chasing thoughts until i fall
to logic traps and pointless duels
that always end a draw

and the happy loving couples
make it all look so clear cut
but the facade they show rarely lasts for long
then they too are left in doubt

so take stock of all you've done
good relationships you've grown
there are worse fates than yours my friend
like being lonely when you're not alone

(for crown princess d)

posted by bluematrix at 06/28/04 09:59 | link | comments (1)

stephen wright is odd...

I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film

posted by bluematrix at 06/22/04 22:55 | link | comments (1)

"At one time or another I have insulted everybody, and I am proud of that. Folks, let me sum it up for you: I think religion is bad, and drugs are good. I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun and young people should be discouraged from voting. I think stereotypes are true, abstinence is a pervsion, Bush’s lies are worse than Clinton’s and there is nothing sexy about being old or pregnant. I think 9-11 changed nothing, and if I had known the onset of war would add a hundred points on to Bush’s IQ, I would have started one. I think pornography stops rape, I think AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic. I think death is not the worst thing that can happen. I think people have too much self-esteem, and being drunk is funny. I think children are not innocent, God doesn’t write books, and Jesus wasn’t a republican. I am for mad cow disease, and against suing tobacco companies. I think girls hate each other, no doesn’t always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women’s sports are boring, and the Olympics are gay. We’ll be on for another six weeks here on ABC." - Bill Maher

posted by bluematrix at 06/22/04 09:55 | link | comments (4)

on death

'this is your life and its ending one minute at a time.'

during WWII a reporter talking to bomber pilots of a squadron that was taking heavy casualities asked if they were afraid of dying. he reported that it was not so much fear, but a extreme reluctance to give up the future.

as i look back on my life and the many experiences I have had and the places i have traveled, i can relate to the bomber pilots. i don't think i fear death so much as i sure would miss seeing how some things turn out - my sons growing up and choosing careers and wives probably being chief among those. another thing i wonder about is leaving some kind of lasting creative mark, like a book or movie or cd. because to be forgotten would make death even worse.

'Never knock on Death's door -- ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.'

i guess its pretty easy to sit from a position of having enough of everything- money, friends, family, career, toys, talent and contemplate with semi-feigned world weariness checking out for good. i wonder how ready one would be if one was really sick, or staring at a madman and a gun, or an oncoming car. i'd wager life would all of a sudden get much more precious.

'Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its certainty'.

i think most people die of a creeping common sense, in a kind of quiet desperation, each day getting a bit more afraid to take chances, a bit more less likely to shake off the weariness and lethargy. waking up in the morning and looking forward to a bright day, a bright future like one did when one was young, instead of looking backwards and reliving moments past is something to strive towards it seems.

ancient egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, "Did you bring joy?" The second was, "Did you find joy?" my answer to both is "I sure tried."

posted by bluematrix at 06/21/04 13:40 | link | comments

interpersonal bank account

the concept of the interpersonal bank account is one that I've used successfully for quite awhile. it works much like a regular bank account but is applied towards most any kind of relationship.

lets say your neighbor, who you hardly know, asks to borrow your lawnmower. assuming there is no bad blood between you from other occasions, you will probably let him. "I owe you one." is a common phrase and one he might use in this instance. he has made a withdrawl from your relationship bank with him. but often it will benefit you as well, because in doing him a favor, and him being indebted to you, you will probably strengthen the relationship. plus, if and when you need to borrow something, you have a credit built up with him.

now lets say he hasn't returned your lawnmower and then asks to borrow your trimmer a week later. you may not be as quick to let him borrow this time, because he is making another withdrawl. then you'll have to weigh a number of variables and see if he has enough deposits with you to keep the account open. sooner or later, without deposits the relationship bank will close

another example - lets say one friday your friend asks you to come out and party with him for a special occasion, but you already had plans with your wife. if you have a good positive balance in your account with her (you've made a number of deposits recently like cooking dinner, buying flowers, or maybe just not breaking other dates with her) she would more likely be inclined to let you go without a fuss than if you had made recent withdrawls (breaking other dates, getting your way over hers, or fighting).

so if things are not as well as they should be with someone in your life, check for the deposits and withdrawls you've made from their account with you.

posted by bluematrix at 06/13/04 22:44 | link | comments (3)

another part of the male sexual mind is an ability to be easily aroused by a possible sex partner - indeed, by the faintest hint of a possible sex partner. zoologists have found that the males of many species will court an enormous range of objects having a vague resemblance to the female: other males, females of the wrong species, females of the right species that have been stuffed and nailed to a board, parts of stuffed females such as a head suspended in midair, even parts of stuffed females with important features missing like the eyes and the mouth.

The male of the human species is aroused by the sight of a nude woman, not only in the flesh but in movies, photos, drawings, postcards, dolls, and cathode tube displays. he takes pleasure in the mistaken identity, supporting a porn industry which grosses $10 billion a year in the US alone, more than sports and movies combined. It is similar the world over and was much the same as it was a century ago...graphic detail of a succession of anonymous nude females eager for casual, impersonal sex.

Charlie Sheen was asked why he would pay for sex when he could have most any woman he wanted. he replied “i don’t pay them for sex. I pay them to go away after sex.” - steven pinker, 'how the mind works', a fascinating book.

posted by bluematrix at 06/08/04 12:58 | link | comments (1)

the coolidge effect

One day President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were visiting a government farm and were taken on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge was shown the chicken pens, she asked whether the rooster copulated more than once a day. “Dozens of times,” replied the guide. “Please tell that to the President,” Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the president was shown the pens and told about the rooster, he asked, “Same hen every time?” “Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time.” The president said, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.

posted by bluematrix at 06/08/04 11:08 | link | comments

my mind is fading like a 5 pixel guassian blur but i feel guilty ignoring the blog so long. between the post marysdream crashnburn funk and work being so frickin busy, i've neglected my writing. so i write now not out of a creative need, but guilt. and because i don't want to dig into the pile of work i've brought home tonight.

we spoke little about our loss, enjoying instead the sunset over the bend in the river. looking for wood for fire on the tiny island we chose to camp on, i ran over the packed sand as jeff the guitarist returned our friend to the marina. by the time he returned i had the fire going and felt at peace for the first time in months. it was after midnight before we actually spoke of it, and even then i avoided it as best i could - 'maybe in the fall i'll be ready again' and it was enough. for now. this summer i will return to the long slow nights at the sidewalk cafe reading foreign poetry books and drinking red wine and looking for analogies to describe my life. and for the first time in many years my thoughts will not be about mary.

posted by bluematrix at 06/02/04 20:57 | link | comments (4)