it doesn't seem like a week since i've last posted, but apparently it has. it would be easy to say work has kept me so busy, but unfortunately that is not the case - this has been my slowest summer ever workwise. (and i just found out that enrollment is down and the canceled the typography class i was going to teach at the local college i instruct at ocassionally, so no extra income there either.)

but i don't feel too guilty about my lack of writing here as i've noticed some of my fellow (usually prolific) bloggers have been slow to update as well or even taken a hiatus from blogging altogether. perhaps its the time of year. it does take a certain amount of doggedness to continue month after month (or excessive free time) to post something at least somewhat worthy of reading. initially, like so many things, blogging is novel and fresh and i eagerly doled out what was in my head and my heart - for me there was a fair amount of material backed up that i could tap into. i noticed looking over my old handwritten journals the entries ranged from once a week to once a month (but they go back unbroken to right after my college graduation.) but it is difficult to keep up consistantly.

part of my inspiration to write comes from my interaction with the outside world, and i've been a bit of an anti-social homebody this summer, which is rather unlike me. perhaps its a backlash from the time intensive social overload of my marys dream adventure, which involved most of my friends.

and unlike posting to my blog, doing that rock opera seems like a year ago rather than just a few months. and i did not relish my accomplishment as much as i thought i would. the dessert doesn't taste quite as good as once its eaten; the goal doesn't mean quite as much once its reached. if we add up all the accomplishments in our lives, we won't have all that much. but if we add up the time working towards the accomplishments, then we have a significant amount.

i am reminded once again that it's the journey and not the destination that give us the most bang for our buck.

posted by bluematrix at 08/30/04 09:18 | link | comments (1)

a number of years ago the the 'grand dam' of my family died (the woman that raised my father and his brother and sister after his parents died) and all the cousins i hadn't seen since i was a kid flew back from all over the country to attend the funeral.

it turned into this huge irish wake where we went through amazing amounts of booze. i remember going through this drive-thru liquor store numerous times to restock as more and more people arrived and thinking how strange the concept of drive-thru only liquor store was.

there was this strange ebb and flow to the pre-funeral gathering. There was much laughter and storytelling, but when things started to get a little too joyous we remembered the reason that brought us all together again and got sad that she wasn't there to share it with us. so then we would drink more (God invented alcohol so the irish wouldn't take over the world) and the happy/sad pattern continued late into the night.

the next day, i was honored that i was one of the pall bearers (along with my father) out of all those in attendance. as my hand gripped the polished handle of the casket i was flooded with memories of how this gentle soul always had told me from day one that i was something very special. as a geeky kid and teen, getting told you were very special was extremely rare. i remember my first year of college when i had pretty much cut the ties with my parents (which i guess is kind of what going away to college is supposed to do) and every once and while out of the blue i would get these care packages from this woman. not my mom, but an old irish woman i hadn't seen in years since we moved so far away. captain crunch, candy bars, a little money, and it always seemed to come at a time when i was dead broke, lonely and/or sad.

her love and confidence in me was a nice constant as i wrestled with the self doubts of childhood and adolesence in a family that was not real big on showing love and confidence in me.

thanks to harriene (www.harriene79.motime.com) and her insightful blog for stirring up this old memory for me.

posted by bluematrix at 08/24/04 10:38 | link | comments (3)

you never can tell

an old taoist story tells of a farmer whose horse ran away. his neighbor expressed his condolences, only to be told, "Who knows what's good or bad?" Sure enough the next day the horse returned, bringing with it a dozen wild horses it had befriended in its wonderings. the neighbor came over again and this time congratulated the farmer on his fantastic luck. he was met with the same observation: "Who really knows what's good and what's bad?" True again because the next day the farmer's son tried to mount one of the wild horses, fell off and broke his leg badly. back came the neighbor with more condolences only to hear the same observation for the third time, "Who knows what is good or bad from this vantage point?" And once again the farmer's point was well taken because the next day soldiers came by gathering men for the army and because of his injury, the son was not drafted to fight.

i know in my own life, over and over, things that appear bad at first turn out to be blessings in disguise. one of the best examples was when they shut down the in-house graphics department in this big company i had worked for 5 years. I scrambled around panicking and pissed off, almost accepted a shitty job for less money and was feeling quite sorry for myself. I then decided i would ask a big VP what they were going to do when they needed to revise and reprint one of the many things my department had worked on over the years if there was no one here to access the files. She scratched her head and said perhaps I should be a contractor. now i make more money, have no boss, work less hours and basically run my own business (which i doubt I would have had the balls to do had i not been forced into it).

who really knows what's good and what's bad? accept change and keep moving and growing until the good (that the laws of chance dictate inevitably will) follows the bad.
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posted by bluematrix at 08/19/04 09:00 | link | comments (4)

banzai inspired a few other bloggers to do a self factlist thing and below would be mine...

1- once a week or so i get cravings for pizza and sushi (though not at the same time).

2- music is a big part of my life, but i can't listen to it when I work (at graphic design) because i get distracted and start listening to the lyrics and beats.

3- i not sure why i enjoy typing without using capital letters, but i do.

4- i'm kind of a macintosh geek.

5- i really enjoy tai chi, but don't do it as often as i like

6- there is a self-centered part of me that wishes i could spend more time alone.

7- i have a license to charter up to 50' catamarans and would move to the islands tomorrow given the chance.

8- i don't like winter (see #7).

9- for me, expressing my creativity is a need a similar to going to the bathroom...whether i want it to or not, it's going to come out one way or another so i've learned to accept it as a part of life.

10- if i could not escape ocassionally on my motorcycle or a boat, i would get very cranky.

11- I watch very little tv, because for some odd reason i once i start watching i can get hooked on the dumbest movies and stay up all night.

12- though there are still many places i want to see and things i want to do, i am farther along than i thought i would be at this point in my life.
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posted by bluematrix at 08/16/04 16:49 | link | comments (4)

the sphere of influence.

picture a circle with larger circles surrounding it. the innermost and smallest circle is what you have control over, things like what you eat, how you dress, who you hang with.

the next circle out is things you can influence but can't control like telling your roommate not to eat the last of the bread. you can't physically keep him from eating the bread if you're not there, but you might influence him if you tell him often enough or threaten him.

the outermmost circle is what you have no control or influence over, like the weather. if you focus on the inner circle your power will grow outwards. the farther out you focus, the more your energy dissipates as you waste time on things either mostly or wholey out of your control, like what people think or national politics.

as you grow your inner circle of things you control, your influence (the outer rings) expands. even the simple decision of what to ingest has profound consequences on your life and the world.

don't waste energy on trying to change the wind - adjust your sails.
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posted by bluematrix at 08/10/04 09:17 | link | comments (3)

damn,screwthisday,hit the bike,grab the helmet and shove hard on head,snap the strapunder chin, rev engine - a hi-tech-mechanical japanese cat-likesnarling, high and whineyandveryloud.

1stgear shoots like a bullet, engine complaining as i bang 2ndgear, adrenal glands pumping wildly, G's from 13,000 revolutionsperminute, 65 milesperhour in the blink of an eye and still have four more gears, slam 3rdgear, front end popsup a little before digging in and now pushing a hundred and the wind is pulling hard at the helmet, click 4thgear, the low throaty tone-middle of the powerband pushes the wind screaming against the faceplate, the tach flicks 3/4around the dial in a flash,but can't look down now, unleash 5thgear, put head down behind small windshield, 200kilometersanhour, slip 6thgear, z-ratedracing tires practically floating onthehot surface of the newlypavedbackroad, any disturbance,malfunction or obstacle and i'm hamburger now, glovedhands clutching hard vibrating thin tubes of rubbercovered metal; right hand finally levels off acceleration, twofingers ready to pull hard to engage front brake, left foot ready for back brake, left hand clutch and right foot shift hasnomoregears left...

and for a few blissful moments...

everything passes by strangely quiet and slow
and blurry and clear and fast at the same time

and there is no thought of work
or house payments or music
or even self

a curve

spotted ahead
ease up throttle, relax overtightmuscles,
altered state slowly dissipating like a morning dream

back to earth, back to reality
downdown
down
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posted by bluematrix at 08/04/04 22:40 | link | comments (3)

Jo's Song

(from Mary's Dream, a rock opera by me)

you used to think, you would never find
a place to be, a little piece of mind
but I always knew, you would find your way
the darkest night still surrenders to the day

now the answers here___
all you’ve got to do is try
reach for me - and don’t ask why

can’t you see it?
its been here all your life
can’t you feel it inside?
its been here all the time
why can’t you hear it?

i know some will never hear it
too grounded in their world to listen to the sky
but i knew you were always different
never giving in, never saying die

i know your heart is ready
we both know you can
hear me now, the answers in your hand

can’t you see it?
its been here all your life
can’t you feel it inside?
its been here all the time
why can’t you hear it?

i know your heart is ready
we both know you can
hear me now, the answers in your hand

posted by bluematrix at 08/04/04 20:16 | link | comments

as a person, i've always wanted to stand apart from my fellow man. but as a race we tend to want to fit in, regardless of our creative or individualistic urges to the contrary. evolution has wired us to do as our neighbors do. this has resulted in tension in my, and probably a lot of other creative's lives as well.

stephen pinker tells us about social psychology experiments showing that we are wired to fit in. unwitting subjects surrounded by people paid by the experimenter will call a long line short, or fill out a questionnaire as smoke pours from a heating vent or even strip down to their underwear for no apparent reason.

this conformity has been bred into us for two reasons. one is that we desire to benefit from other peoples knowledge, like how to make tools, control fire, outsmart prey, etc. in fact, much of what we call culture is simply accumulated wisdom - solutions to ecological problems. cows really should be sacred in India for example because they supply food (milk and butter), fuel (dung) and power (pulling plows).

the second reason is that following the norms of society often makes good sense. for instance there is no good reason to drive on one side of the road versus the other, but there is a very good reason for us all to follow the norm and drive on the same side.

so ever since i was born, i was wired to fit in and to follow societies norms. and ever since i was old enough to reason, i noticed that i was not getting everything i wanted by following societies norms and by fitting in. perhaps if i had been especially attractive or posses superior athletic ability, my desire to fit in would be greater because more of my needs were being met by groups. but alas, such was not the case.

but, understanding underlying causes of conflict aids in dealing with it.

posted by bluematrix at 08/04/04 09:50 | link | comments

- Dreams in storage

it's such a burden, this clever encumbrance
a hindrance endured (for the sake of remembrance)
it projects and protrudes
and on impulse it fires

a whimsical notion, thoughts spinning round
it bothers the wealthy, (all world renown)
a dream and a vision
it lights the machine

a corporate farce, a domestic game
where quantity is everything (and all is a name)
it agitates as it germinates
the seeds of desire

it's skillful boasting and rich imitation
bundled in smoothness, (the birth of creation)
it injures as it draws nearer
to those inactive and clean

it’s many facets first seek and then find
red tape in abundance (and deviant minds)
it influences and shifts
the enclosures we've wired

it is his and his alone

posted by bluematrix at 08/02/04 11:45 | link | comments