I was born near the shores of the largest supply of fresh water in the world (the great lakes, specifically lake erie). as soon as I was old enough to ride a bike, I spent most of time exploring the coastline near my home. when i was 13 my father picked up the family and moved us a small lake near the shores of the longest river in north america. i spent my summers swimming and boating on that lake and learning to drive along the river road. not long after college i moved to the 3rd busiest port in the united states (houston, texas) where most weekends would find me on the shores of the gulf of mexico. work (or lack thereof) forced me to move inland once again, but i happen to land at the confluence of the #14 and #15 longest rivers in the world (the missouri and the mississippi).

i have always had bodies of water in my life. it is a part of who i am. the times when i have felt most at home in the universe have usually been on a beach or on a boat.

I have always had respect for water. from the ever tugging currents of rivers to storms to hurricanes to torrential rains, i knew the power of water could wash away those unwary of its awesome potential.

but i've never feared it.

then it claimed 150,000 of my fellow humans with a stroke of its hand. to help my mind grasp the enormity of this, i have been watching amateur videos taken from people at the beach. partly in morbid fascination, like one looks at a car accident when passing by on the highway. but more because i have been troubled by how this integral part of my life, this bringer of peace to my soul, could do such a thing. yes, the scientist part of me looks at the plates shifting and the dense populations on the coasts and says, yep it was bound to happen sooner or later. but my spiritual side is still wrestling with this whole asian tsunami thing.

I can tell this because i was in someone's office earlier this week and a the had a beach screen saver and instead of the usual 'ah look at how tranquil that beach scene is - it reminds when i was at this or that beach' i felt anxiety. i didn't like it.

then i was sitting in the whirlpool at the gym yesterday and relaxing in the hot, swirling waters after a good workout, when circular sweeping movement of the bubbles on the churning water reminded me of the debris being sucked out to sea in asia and i felt anxiety again.

last week, after record rainfalls, i watched helplessly as hundreds and hundreds of gallons rainwater poured into my basement from tiny cracks in the walls and foundations. luckily it stayed in the back half and drained into the laundry room and missed my studio and the new tv room i've spent the last few months building and carpeting and wiring. but i experienced some major anxiety. this was my home and water not welcome here. not like this.

i sincerely hope that soon i will be able to come to terms with these negative feelings that i have now towards the most positive thing i've known on this earth, this thing that makes up most of my very body, this thing that has brought me so much tranquility in the past.

but not tonight. it's raining hard again. i don't like.

posted by bluematrix at 01/13/05 00:08 | link | comments (6)